A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird poo!"
"Well," says the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."
#2
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny Midwest town got up early and went to the local church.
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from an evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving.....seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused and irritated the Devil a bit, so he walked up to the man and said,
"Don't you know who I am?"
"Yep, sure do," the elderly man said.
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
This time the man said, "Nope, sure ain't!"
Satan, a little more perturbed at this, asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 56 years."
#3 The Christian Barber
There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said, "Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door."
Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said, "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him.
So give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen."
Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying "Good morning sir. I have a question for you... Are you ready to die?"
#4 Obama Jokes
Q. Why doesn't Obama pray?
A. It's impossible to read the teleprompter with your eyes closed.
What's the difference between Obama and God?
God doesn't think he's Obama.
